I've had a revelation since i got back from Oregon and it has nothing to do with anyone I know. For some odd reason I have had a craving for time alone. If you know me at all then you know this is pretty crazy for me to be saying, but i swear to you its true. I never knew how fulfilling it was to spend the majority of my time by myself. I read a friends blog the other day about life. They were talking about wanting to live their life, and not just exist. But I've taken their views in a different vain. For a little bit i just want to exist... I don't want to live. Is that bad? I don't know... but its been working out for me.
I've never been able to feel this close to god before. I guess you could say its like fasting.... but from your friends, not food. It's totally different then i thought it would be, but more rewarding then i could have imagined. I find myself digging into my bible on a regular basis. Praying when I'm bored, and simply meditating on life and life decisions when I'm at home. This might not be for everyone, but for me, it feels like its been a life savor.
Now onto a different topic. Kinda...
I can't say I'm super happy with where I'm living and the direction my life is going. Getting away from Arizona for a week started scrambling up my future goals and direction for life. There was a little bit of a road block I encountered before I left that had to do with a group of my closest friends. The road block wont be talked about for sake of time and space on this blog, but it was something that pushed me farther away from the people I love. I know it wasn't intended to. In fact, the intention was just the opposite. I just couldn't help but take it the way my heart did, and not my mind. And now I'm sitting here, day after day, torn between loving the alone time I'm having and trying not to tell myself that I'm having alone time to spite my friends. I guess some of the greatest things in life come from when you are rock bottom.... but when do you start to pull yourself back to the surface?
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